It’s said “you can’t walk forward looking back” and while this is true I can’t help but look over my shoulder at how I used to live.
Deceit; envy; lying and foul language was something which held me back for years as a young adult. It caused all kinds of drama and mistrust. Romans 8:5
So I can say with certainty that getting rid of this type of living gave room for me to experience more goodness.
When His Word at first was preached to me and it begin to transform my understanding, reaching me where nothing else could. It sounded like a sermon on Grace. <Video link>
So reading the Word of God eventually became a daily habit.
At first I’d read it to try and find out what I needed to do or what it was saying about me.
It was His Word that called me to truth and clean living.
To letting go of bitterness and shame.
No more looking to be better then others but instead praying for them, as He did. John 17:20
No looking for acceptance in others because Jesus accepted me, even with all my imperfections He became my new habit.
His Word fed my soul and it changed my thinking.
Every misplaced longing for love and acceptance was met by His Word. He showed me what it means to have loyalty and serve others as He did. He changed me, it was Him working out my salvation in me. Eph 2:10
And then He served me the best news; I was forgiven and loved forever.
He has taught me to stay close and feed on His Word daily.
It grows you spiritually strong and when you feed on the Word of God ~ you will find out how good God really is!
Are you walking around with a dark cloud over your head?
I’m not talking about clinical depression or anxiety which tend to feel this way.
This cloud is more spiritual and today it’s becoming more common in the times we are living in, everyone is being oppressed.
In 2010 my life was actually good. I was raising three healthy children, I was able to be a stay at home mom, great marriage.
But I was walking around with that dark cloud over my head.
For whatever reason I couldn’t shake it, I tried lots of natural approaches, went to a doctor to get a diagnosis and he said
“I’m not prescribing you anything, just eat better and exercise.” And I did. But I was still so unhappy.
I remember having a conversation with a mentor who was telling me about a new prayer ministry she was involved in, I became curious about it because she was seeing God heal others through this ministry.
I don’t plan to promote the “type of ministry” because if used wrong it becomes a tool for the enemy. Instead I’m going to tell you that prayer in itself is key, so vital to our healing journey. Looking back I didn’t have the same attitude about prayer as I do now.
At that time I felt lead to investigate this and because I trusted my friend “E” she was a walking light for Him and had the fruit of His Spirit. She was also like a mother figure, she loved the Lord and loved to share His Word. She was our groups prayer warrior, I knew that God had her in my life for this reason. We prayed often together prior to this ministry.
I remember asking my pastor about this new prayer ministry and he didn’t know about it but encouraged me to be cautious. I even talked with another church member who was studying mental health at that time and she didn’t know about it either but again encouraged me to use caution.
Then I asked my husband who said that if I felt lead to try this that it should be ok. But the final authority is when Jesus says in Matt 18:18-20 when we are together in His name and we agree, He is in the midst.
This is when I said, “Lord, “E” is my sister in Christ, I can trust her because I know she serves and loves You, and I trust that You will bless and be there.”
What happened next is surreal and every time I share it, I still can’t believe I had the privilege of experiencing it.
We decided to meet up at her church one late afternoon, it was overcast and rainy.
She was given a room dedicated to this ministry, it was a little office space with a love seat and some other comfortable chairs, decorated with some soft effects like a lamp, throw blanket and a few pillows, box of Kleenex nearby.
The ministry rules suggest two to one ratio unless the person is a believer, “E” arranged to have a her friend who was also in the prayer ministry join us, however at the last minute she had to cancel because she wasn’t feeling well.
I remember “E” asking me if I wanted to reschedule.
I didn’t, I trusted God was in this moment and it would work it out as it should.
As we sat down “E” asked me what I wanted to pray about, I expressed everything about how I was feeling and I didn’t know why and I couldn’t shake it.
Then “E” says: Lets pray.
And She did, she gave thanks to the Lord for His mercy and grace for all that He is and all that He does. She asked forgiveness and then she began proclaiming the promises of His Word as she pleaded with Him on my behalf.
She asked Him to reveal to me what I needed to know about these feelings and especially about this cloud hanging over me. As she was petitioning Him on my behalf I was hearing her prayer and I was also asking the Lord for the same thing.
I was moved to tears because I felt in that moment a safe warm embrace of someone who cared and was beseeching the Heavenly Father on my behalf. And even though it was “E” I heard I knew it was actually The Holy Spirit interceding on my behalf through “E” prayer. And then I saw it.
While she was still praying aloud for me, clear as day, I saw what looked to be a picture perfect day. Blue sky with a field of lush green grass. But as I looked up, I saw a black chalk board which becomes a huge obstacle in the middle of that beautiful day.
I could not see around it, and it was a stark contrast to what I was wanting to see.
If you are from the older generation a “black board” was something a teacher would use to show lesson examples and used also to write the names of those who were not doing good that day.
I never liked the black board, my name was on it more then I care to remember.
As I was looking at this black board I realize written across it was everything I had ever done wrong in my life, it was completely covered from top to bottom.
The whole board listed every thing I was guilty of.
I remember thinking “wait.. I thought I was forgiven of all this and yet here it is, a reminder of what I had done.”
I sat there feeling worse then when we started.
Then “E” ends the prayer.
I was crying.
I told her what I saw and that it made perfect sense now, I had a cloud over me, and it was all my down falls.
Everything I did wrong.
She sat and listened, she didn’t counsel me, she just listened and then said: Let’s pray.
I closed my eyes and saw that vision again like it was just sitting there waiting for me.
I heard “E” praying and asking the Lord on my behalf what I needed to know about this. She prayed the passages of the Bible on repentances and forgiveness. She continued to to ask Him on my behalf and I asked ” Lord what do I do now?”
From the top side of the vision I see a hand come down out of the sky and in one swoop it grabbed that intimidating black board chalk full of all my trespasses and crumbled it up and next threw it out like a piece of paper, it was forever cast away never to be seen again.
I was so confused, I sat there stunned waiting for “E” to finish praying. My face must have said it all. She says “what.. what happened?”
I told her what just happened then I said “it’s gone, what does this mean, now what am I supposed to do? ” ( still upset ~ crying)
She repeated it slowly. “it’s…. gone…?”
I said ” yea.. like it never existed, it’s not there anymore.. it’s gone, the hand took it and threw it out like it was never there, what do I do now? ” ( yes, I’m still crying..it hasn’t registered yet..)
She smiles and says again ” it’s… gone..?”
Her smile lights up her eyes and I finally see the answer.
It’s gone.
He took this from me because He loves me.
He has forgiven me and paid dearly for the privilege of crumbling up my sins and sending them away to set me free.
Of course you know what “E” did next.. “Let’s pray”.
She gave thanks. Oh boy! did She give thanks.
I sat there and yes I cried and thanked Him too.
I told Him I would never forget this and would tell everyone what He did. As we said Amen, she looked at me and said “girl I have never witnessed this happen so fast.. what a privilege to be apart of this, I am amazed, what a testimony!? Wow! ”
That was the last day I had the cloud of my past hanging over my head. It was a rainy day and there were a lot of tears but the sun was shining and the sky was blue in my mind.
Never had to deal with this cloud issue again.
Friends, if you are struggling with this, look to the Lord Jesus Christ. Look to His Word.
Look purposely to the promises that were written in love for you.
The Word is a love letter about how much God wants to save His children.
Look up “help or heal or grief” or whatever words you need to read about, Jesus will meet YOU there.
Ask Him to show you the fullness of His love towards you. Pray and remember with repentance, having forgiveness towards those who hurt you also. This is not for them, it’s for you. You don’t have to like what they did or even trust them, you just need to realize we are all guilty and sinful, falling very short of the glory of God.
He is wanting to heal you and He will take care of what’s given to Him. Take hold of His promises.
As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. Psalms 103:12
a call to repentance, commit your ways to the Lord..
I have been adding in my prayer journal recently on the word “Healing” today’s entry was in Jeremiah 3:22
When I hear the word “backsliding” my thoughts go to trying to climb up a slippery place only having slid back down not towards the goal. It is likely because I didn’t take the right path. I chose for myself my own way, thinking I was right and wiser for it. Let’s call this thinking, pride.
Eventually I fall on my face or maybe my knees if I’m doing it safely.
It’s there I look around to find a better way, or ask for help.
Had I looked first and considered the way I was headed I would have avoided the whole ordeal. But pride.
Throwing caution to the wind is a common place for most, but with this comes consequences. Again, we have choices before we put ourselves in any situation. Maybe you didn’t think about that scenario however most agree that backsliding is not good, no matter the case.
When you read about spiritual backsliding you will see just how parrell this is to my personal interpretation. It’s so avoidable, especially when we “lean not on our own understanding”.
Proverbs is the book that tells us to “wise up” and gives visual truths about these types of situations in life.
In Proverbs 3: 5-6 says if we acknowledge God in all our ways, He will direct (which means to smooth or to straighten) our paths.
Reassures us that when we pay attention to His counsels it will go well for us. Remember His promises = His provisions.
We must understand that “backsliding” in the Lord’s eyes is not good. It’s not something He contends with, the saying ” don’t ask permission but ask forgiveness..” is reckless. That’s not how this works.
To do our best work which is closest to us ei. family; work; community is to commit our ways to God, while watching for His providence. This is the choice of safe guidance.
I invite you to not continue to try on your own, but trust Him and ask for His guidance. His Word is full of good safe advice and He will never let you down, and when it’s hard to climb He will be there to help strengthen you.
